I wanted to make sure I snuck in some of my thoughts on non-verbal communication - with our viewing of
Shattered Glass coming up, and your presentations, I didn't want to miss at least throwing these ideas out there. Here goes:
So, why does everyone watch the numbers in an elevator as it climbs or descends?
Why does an athlete point to the sky after a homerun or a touchdown? Is he or she saying "look, everyone, it's the mysterious yellow-bellied sapsucker?"
Look around and find someone with a tattoo? What does the tattoo say to you - apart from its literal meaning?
Remember the "close talker" in Seinfeld? Who played him (answer below)? Elaine's boyfriend would literally "get in the face" of anyone he was talking to.
Want to get rid of a tailgater (and you have five or six people in a car)? Have all five or six people lurch upward from their seats at the same time.
Your tailgater will swerve to miss the imaginary pothole.
It should be clear by now that we're at the gates of
NON-VERBAL COMMUNICATION-LAND.
Think about some gestures, like pointing to the sky, that communicate. The smacking of fists, which replaced the "high-five," - which replaced the "give me five." All mean "great job" (as opposed to "our society loves its hands").
Think:
What emotions are encapsulated in this gesture?
What do I think the individual is trying to say? - Your take and the person's meaning may not be even close to the same.
We're not just talking gestures and body language - how about "dressing for success?" You never hear anyone talk about "dressing for failure" - they tried, but they failed.
NV cues
frame and punctuate communication.
We all have (and you may already have) an "interview suit."
Sports logos on jackets - what do they say about the individual?
Talking with your hands - something I never did (especially with your hands) until I married Sheila. She has an extensive hand gesture vocabulary - ask me about "steamed milk" and "fireworks" sometime.
So, let's try a list then:
clothes, posture, distance (or closeness), time, eye contact, punctuality (or lack thereof), the position of furniture (home or office), tone and pitch of your voice, how fast (or slowly) you speak, the number of dysfluencies (um...er...you know...like).
Time, you say? Do you know someone who's 15 minutes late for EVERYTHING? Or check out how much respect and admiration (these always seem to go together) someone whose been in a job a long time receives.
How about someone who fails to achieve eye contact with you? What's up with that?
How about someone who always speaks with a sarcastic tone?
We're talking about two-thirds of a message coming from NV communication. Or, for you definition fans, "messages expressed by other than linguistic means; the deliberate and/or intentional use of objects, actions, sounds, time, and space to arouse meaning in others.
STOP! OK, look around the space you're inhabiting at the moment - what in this space communicates to you?
This all adds support to the notion that we are ALMOST ALWAYS COMMUNICATING!
What about sleep? If you do it in a meeting, or on a date - it's communication.
Context controls here, too - the body language you use in class is a lot different than the language your body "speaks" when you're walking to class with friends, or when you pay a visit to my office.
It is - I swear...stop reading for a second and picture yourself in those three places - what are you doing? How are you acting?
Post your response.
Where one lives also plays a key role here - in Britain, for example, nodding (which to us, means yes) means "I hear you."
Have you run across any other gestures that are either a) unique to another culture; or b) mean something different in another culture?
Post them!
And when you dress well, or in an appropriate manner, people are more likely to be persuaded by you, like you, and not feel threatened by you.
Try showing up at Le Bec Fin in jeans and Nikes and see how far you get.
So: let's break it down by type.
Some NV gestures have direct verbal translations - these are EMBLEMS. Think about a hitchhiker with his (or her) thumb in the air; rotating your index finger around your ear, to indicate that your roommate is nuts; pinching your nose to indicate that something is unpleasantly odiferous.
Then, we have ILLUSTRATORS - these are movements that reinforce verbal messages. For example, you stretch, arms over your head, and say "I'm exhausted..."
ADAPTERS are unintentional movements made to relieve stress or fight boredom - for example, I'm a habitual drummer (finger-tapper) - I sometimes play a complete drum set if I'm bored.
MARKERS are deployed to show our territory. Look at your stuff - how is it arranged? Do you see boundaries between yourself and the person next to you?
REGULATORS control the give and take of a conversation - in a meeting, you might lean forward (to convince the person to speak up). You might put both hands up to slow someone down.
LABELS are a big deal, because we seem to collect them. They become evidence of our brand. They can be straightforward - like a RESERVED sign on a restaurant table - but they can also be complex, like a vanity license plate, or a team logo.
Look for a moment at some of your clothes. What labels/logos do you find? What do they say about you? What are you trying to say?
Post these reactions.
AFFECT DISPLAYS - these are facial expressions. We can come up with more than 20,000 of them. After botox? Only 12,389.
OFFENSIVE DISPLAYS - flipping the bird - enough said.
TENURE - basically, this is saying "I was here first" and "I'm important." Archie Bunker is probably a dated reference, but his chair (in the show All in the Family) was to be sat in only by him (huh?). By being there first, and staying the longest, we can prevent others from taking the space.
Do you have "your seat" at the dinner table?
OK, here's what I'd like you to do - post for me at least one example of each type of gesture. See you Tuesday.
